I haven’t written anything publicly for more than two months because for a long time, I was
sad angry. At myself, at the world, at the chaos. All I wanted to say, I kept to my private journal and to the people who I knew would understand the most. Most nights there weren’t even any words, just tears, hugs and the occasional pat at the back. I have stumbled across different yards of booboos before, but I have never been anywhere near the fence of “caution: the most dangerous curves ahead.”
Day in and day out, I was looking for something/ someone to blame for the unhappiness I was experiencing for I could not - at that time - come to terms with fate. “It’s a blessing,” they all said, yet I cannot find any bit of reason to be happy about finding out I was with child on the week of my 23rd birthday.
Boom, there goes my future. Or so I initially thought.
My dad refused to talk to me for a week. He was not only disappointed at me; he was grieving for what he believed was a result of misguidance. After all, a daughter’s confession about her unplanned pregnancy is a news no parent ever looks forward to receiving.
However, little by little, family and friends expressed deeper understanding of the situation. I felt the pain I have caused my parents but I, too, was in the dark for some time. I could not defend myself: for what we did, for the life we have created, for everything that felt and seemed wrong simply because it was untimely. Given the chance, will we choose to do things differently? No. Do we wish that we have waited instead? Yes, because of our impending financial responsibilities as young parents.
While my boyfriend and I am still very much together, we weren’t planning on anything close to building our own family until 2014. We love each other deeply and we did not expect that our personal timelines would be cut this short.
But it is what it is - not a mistake entirely - rather, an unexpected but not unwelcomed little bundle of joy. We cannot turn back time and undo what we did. Instead, we pray everyday to have enough strength, courage and wisdom to accept what has been given to us.
I am putting this out here because I want you to know that you will be hurt and broken by some choices that you will make in life. Everyday, you will convince yourself that it is the end of the world even when it’s not. You will be in denial, you will be ashamed, you will cry an awful lot. And it’s okay.
One day, you will discover that you are a thousand times stronger than you think you are. You will learn that things will get worse only if you let it. You will realize that the love and support of your family and closest friends are two things that will help you get through —- not just survive, but succeed.
It will take you days, months, years to pick yourself up once again and believe that things do happen for a reason. Let it take its course and don’t rush it; even I have yet to know what else is out there that life has for me and our future little family.
For now, I’m soaking in all the positivity I can for our miracle. I still cry at night and when I do, I talk to the little guy inside my emerging tummy. We have gone to two ultrasound examinations already (first was to make sure the seed was planted firmly and second was to see how big the baby has grown), and feelings do really swell when you see that little blessing all cooped up inside of you. Peaceful, filled with hope and promise.